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Brood XIII: The Reckoning

By Alicia Dorr in News on May 4, 2007 5:39PM

cicada-sunset.jpgIf you wanted to call us total weirdos, you'd be right. For example — one of the many, many examples — if we were planning an outdoor wedding we would not be planning for a nice day or a pretty view. No, we would be planning in the style of Dwight Shrute: we would consult a farmer's almanac, take into account the likelihood of all natural disasters and historical episodes, whether it was secretary's day, the possibility of a zombie attack on a 1-5 scale depending on lunar orbit and sunspots, traffic patterns, and the list goes on. That is why we would have never, ever, EVER planned our wedding during The Return of the Cicadas: The Revenge.

We've already told you all about the little buggers, but there is new news, and we want you to be fully on your guard: May 22 looks like it will be the day. Entomologists and other people who study insects (like Lucas) consulted at least one or two of our preferred wedding planning methods to come up with the date, which they say is basically based on ground temperature. Though they allow that there may be some early cicadas and some stragglers, the majority of the red-eyed creatures will be swarming in a tree near you in 18 days.

While we realize in our rational minds that cicadas and locusts are totally different kinds of insects, we can't help but remember all the terrifying stories our grade school teacher made us read about the pioneers and the migrant grasshopper invasions. We realize that the most a cicada can do to harm us is land on our head, or cover our walkways so we have to crunch through them and ...

Yep, yeah, that's disgusting. We'll be tucked in our secret zombie-hideout until the madness is over.

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