This Week in Stupid

By Joanna Miller in News on Jul 7, 2006 9:00PM

Chicagoist is a big believer in human rights. In fact, we think us humans should have more rights. For one, every living soul should have the right to visit Wisconsin Dells at least once and bask in its wonderful tackiness. Two, everyone should have the right to walk on a sidewalk without falling through giant holes. We're frivolous like that. Lastly, one should be able to go through life without looking like a celebrity because, really, what kind of life could that possibly be?

• A Chicago Girl Scout leader has been charged with theft for stealing money collected by her troop for a trip to Wisconsin Dells. Rose Mitchell, 44, allegedly took $11,469 from the Scouts at St. Sabina Catholic Church on the south side. No word on whether or not the girls will still be able to get their splash on.
• Last Sunday, witnesses saw two men take a steel grate from the sidewalk outside ESPN Zone and get away in a red pickup truck, leaving a large hole in the sidewalk and a 15-foot drop. At the bottom of the hole is an electrical transformer that carries approximately 12,000 volts, according to ComEd. The grate was replaced later on Sunday, but not before a 10-year-old boy came close to falling in before an ESPN Zone staffer stopped him.
• An Oregon man says people are constantly mistaking him for Michael Jordan, and he’s not going to take it anymore. Allen Heckard is suing Jordan and Nike founder Phil Knight for $932 million (or $832 million, reports vary), claiming defamation, permanent injury, and emotional pain and suffering as a result of the likeness. How close is that likeness? Heckard is reportedly just over six feet tall, about six inches shorter than Jordan. He does however have a shaved head and an earring in his left ear. Oh, and he plays basketball and wears Air Jordans, because they’re comfortable.

MJ via eggrollboy